And I looked, and behold the pale horse: and his name that sat on him was Death, and Hell followed with him – Book of Revelation
As a respected commentator, my job is to stay calm amid calamity.
Even when I hear of a new dinner-table hazard for all of mankind.
Unfortunately, considering the threat level as another Thanksgiving arrives, I have not the luxury of calm.
I should be able to relax, for as a commentator I have endeavored to inform people about the misuse and misidentification of sweet potatoes as food for more than 40 Thanksgivings.
Surely the message had gotten out by now. Yet there is still work to do.
This season’s urgency comes from a friend’s question, one never contemplated in my long crusade.
“Does it matter if they are white sweet potatoes?”
Taken aback, I fumbled my answer: “Well, uh, are they sweet potatoes?”
“Well, yes. Just white.”
“Well, my lord. Run. Run for your lives!!!!!!!!”
Were I more contemplative that moment, my answer would have been more measured: “My advice: Not to be taken internally.”
White sweet potatoes. Research confirms they exist.
The mind races at the dimensions: white sweet potatoes masked as mashed; hash browns made a horrific prank; sweet potatoes au gratin? There’s a recipe.
My assumption from the start was that this product, this stealth missile, was a recent high-tech invention by some evil military agronomist.
As I tossed and turned in bed, I thought, “Doesn’t the Defense Advanced Research Project Agency have better things to do?”
Or it was the same Dr. Demented who, on the payroll of Texas A&M (as reported in this corner) bred maroon sweet potatoes to be enjoyed by those who bleed that hue.
Well, I was wrong about the origin of this alien tuber, and the assumption that it is new.
White sweet potatoes have been a thing for hundreds of years, apparently. Cultivated in Cuba, they’re called boniatos.
Only now do we – or I — know this. Must’ve been a slow boat.
“A slightly more crumbly and dry texture than an orange sweet potato and a slightly less sweet flavor,” explains Southern Living.
Just as I feared: “Visually, the white sweet potato can better replicate the appearance of classic potatoes.”
“The white sweet potato is a great middle ground between an orange sweet potato and your favorite russet.”
Middle ground?
Apologies to the good people at Southern Living, but there can be no point of conversion here, only one determinant:
Is it a sweet potato?
If yes, whether it be orange, white, maroon or Day-Glo green, back away from that table and run. Happy Thanksgiving.
Longtime newspaperman John Young lives in Colorado. Email: jyoungcolumn@gmail.com.
