In the movie “Liar, Liar,” Jim Carrey’s character owes great success to the ability to conflate truth at every turn. That sounds familiar.
At some point, the movie character’s son wishes that his father behaved differently, and he gets his wish. Nothing but truth – for 24 hours.
I wonder if Barron Trump ever wished the same. Not a chance in the world of that happening. I know.
Only in fiction could one imagine what it would be for Barron’s daddy to tell extended truth — even for 60 seconds:
“My fellow Americans, as I launch my 2024 Vengeance and Vanity Tour, I come to you to lay out, clearly, my plans for office upon my return to power in ’25.
“When I say ‘vengeance and vanity,’ I mean it. That’s it. That is all.
“Vendettas? Twenty-four seven. I am going to do everything in my power to throw my political foes behind bars. Yes, I broke the law many times after 2020, particularly in fraudulently trying to overturn an election I decisively lost, but I expect you now to overlook that and grant me unfettered power to smite my rivals.
“Vengeance also is the name of my economic game: tariffs — against trading partners that rub me raw, like Canada. I’m going to tell you over and over that trade partners will pay tariffs. Of course, that’s a lie. You pay tariffs. They’re a tax on you.
“Forget all that talk about prices under Biden. I’m going to drive them up like you’ve never seen, and I won’t give a flip about how it affects you. I won’t have to buy my groceries, after all.
“Vanity? Well, that will be my other focus eight days a week. My face will be on coins and bills, Bibles and sneakers. I’ll build an obscene arch that is a tribute to me though it’ll compromise all that is solemn around it. I don’t do solemn.
“Along with monuments to me, there will be things to destroy. I never thought the East Wing of the White House served the tastes of the billionaire class I will represent. So with your permission — OK, without it — I’m going to bulldoze that sucker and create something spectacular and totally unnecessary.
“Speaking of destruction, I pledge to you that I will destroy as much of the federal government as I can, starting with aid to starving people. Sure, foreign aid is but a sliver of a sliver of the federal budget, but it’s mostly for dark-skinned people, and I just don’t prefer that color.
“We will blow up the Centers for Disease Control and the whole infrastructure of health care and medical research. Bobby Jr. just told me he will lend his conspiracy credentials to our campaign in exchange for a job. I think I have just the Cabinet post for him.
“I’ll have Elon send over some of his wonder boys to rummage through the bureaucracy and cripple everything that serves people, particularly the needier ones. He’ll say it’s about saving money. Nah.
“However, understand that money will be a major focus of my presidency. Not yours. Mine. My family knows how power buys wealth, and we will get it. So many opportunities in defense contracts, in crypto currency, in the ‘prediction market’ that Don Jr. won’t shut up about.
“Jared has a good thing going sponging off the Saudis. The Middle East is such a fertile ground. I’ll see what I can get from Qatar. Maybe a new plane for my forever personal use. We’ll see.
“If you elect me, I promise not to stop any wars, though I’ll plug myself for a Nobel as I invent wars I didn’t end. Vlad Putin will continue to have his way with Ukraine, but we’ll still make time for recreational canoodling.
“Peace? Screw that. This time around I’ll consent when Bibi makes his annual war visit. ‘Bomb, bomb, bomb; bomb, bomb Iran.’ It’ll make Lindsey so happy.
“Well, that’s it. That’s my presidency in a minute. Vengeance and vanity. Vote for me and know that I’m true to my word.”
Longtime newspaperman John Young lives in Colorado. Email: jyoungcolumn@gmail.com.
